I wrote this article because I have seen time and time again that people are not satisfied with activities that fill at least half of their day - whether it is education, work, or something else. There is a power within us that ENABLES us to change our lives, and if not now, when? I have taken a big, very uncomfortable step toward a more fulfilling life by being true to myself. I have no proof that the decision was the right one, because I am still in the phase of taking the next steps. However, there are SOME parts of the story that might speak to you and help you in some way on your life’s journey. At least, I hope so.

The title is true.

HERE IS THE STORY

This time last year, I applied for a master's programme (at a foreign University) that offered everything I had ever thought I needed. My dream University, and the best programme I could find anywhere in the world! After waiting for 3 months for the admission results, I finally received the email with the following content:

We regret to inform you that you have not been admitted to the Master's programme in Sustainable Design. The programme has restricted admission. Based on the selection criteria, the Study Board has evaluated and prioritised all applicants. Unfortunately, your score was not high enough to be offered admission. In the event that any admitted applicants should choose to decline their offer of admission, those available study places will be offered to the applicants next in line. Should this become relevant to you, we will contact you.

I was sad, but everything happens for a reason, right? And soon I realised that this was indeed the case - because just a week later I received another email telling me that I had been admitted to another programme at the same University that I also liked and had applied for as a second choice. I had successfully convinced myself that this degree programme could be even better, so I was very confused one day when I received another email:

But the confusion quickly faded and was replaced by great joy. That was it, that was all I wanted - and the universe delivered. What a blessed person I was!

LIVING THE DREAM

So I became a Sustainable Design Engineering student - one of about 35 people passionate about taking on real-life challenges to bring sustainable transformations to life. There were about ⅔ Danes in the class, and the rest were international students (mostly from Europe), all with design-related bachelor's degrees. So I was the only natural science student who decided to change her profession and become a sustainable design engineer. I cannot help it, I just love big change and growth.

The weeks flew by and I had to keep pinching myself - is that really true? I was so grateful to be given this opportunity - to be part of a groundbreaking group of people who care about our future and want to make a positive, lasting change in the world. My classmates were not competitive at all, but empathetic and very eager to make the most of the projects we were given. The amount of group work was something I have never experienced before, and it felt like being at a hackathon 3 days a week for 4 months. The university took a problem-based learning approach, which I really liked. I could talk for hours about the programme, but I'll save that for another post/podcast.

LET’S NOT FORGET A LITTLE DETAIL

Before I went to Denmark, I felt the need to be clear about what my greatest talents are. I know that I can do many different things, that I enjoy many different activities, but there was never a clear, one thing that I could say I would like to do and that I could use for my career in the long run. I do not think I'll ever have just one thing, one focus in my life, but it would feel good to finally have at least a temporary vision - what I'd like to do AFTER my studies - why I am studying this and what are the talents I could share with the world. So I sent out an intention and taped a piece of paper above my desk with that message.

And it soon occurred to me that I would get some ideas once I moved. And so I did. If I remember correctly, it was on the second day of my stay in Copenhagen that I looked out the window and thought of something:

Yes, this thing that you have actually been doing your whole life but did not recognize as a “thing” could actually turn into a career that you could really love.

And that thought stuck with me. I even shared it with my classmates, who were quite surprised because being a sustainable design engineer did not have much in common with the profession I had told them about. However, there were some elements in our programme that were consistent with what I wanted to do later in my life. So I was not worried about that variance at the time. Nevertheless, there was no better MSc programme for me than this one.

FAST FORWARD TO DECEMBER 2021

The situation changed a bit. In October, I noticed that the skin behind one of my ears had become dry and scaly. I thought the solution was to use nourishing creams, since the fall weather in Copenhagen can be pretty rough on the skin.

But it got worse and worse until the itchiness spread all over my scalp, which was extremely irritating and looked terrible upon closer inspection. Luckily it was December and I was just on my way to Slovenia for a bioresonance treatment where I was “diagnosed” with atopic dermatitis (I have had breakouts a few times in the past, the last time 7 years ago), which was apparently caused by stress, which I never admitted to while in Denmark. With the treatment we supposedly cured these unwanted frequencies and I got good cream and shampoo recommendations which eased everything within the 2 weeks of my stay in Slovenia.

SOMETHING ELSE ALSO STARTED IN DECEMBER

December was a busy month at school (not as busy as the months before), which meant we had to write a written exam in three weeks (3 essay questions on 6 pages). It was an exam for my favourite class of the semester, but my mood while writing was the total opposite - I complained a lot and I really did not enjoy it as much as I thought I would. That was understandable, though, because my classmates were complaining too - we were really tired at the time. Plus, we still had the last few weeks to finish the big semester project and write a whole project report, which was a lot of work.

But when I arrived in Slovenia, I realised that there was something wrong with my well-being and life satisfaction in general. I was so happy to come to Slovenia and after 14 days I did not want to leave.

It was a bit strange, because I love living abroad and discovering new places, meeting people from other cultures...

I knew that from the first day I landed in Denmark I had to work on the report from morning to night, because that was the decision of our group, since the deadline was in a week. And already after the first day of work, I noticed that my skin was getting worse again - how annoying! I was very observant - I thought to myself - my body/health is trying to tell me something. And I tried to listen. I was very aware of my thoughts and feelings. Something was not right.

We were working intensely online for hours on the project, and I was starting to lose all motivation for the tasks I needed to get done and get done quickly. I did not even participate in debates with my colleagues like I used to. I started to get annoyed about everything that had to do with the programme. I did not care if we did well or poorly on the exam (luckily we did well), and my thoughts were completely elsewhere than on this project. I was late for meetings (which was not my habit before), did my assignments with minimal effort, could not even think about school in my free time (which I used to do with joy) and so on... Was this fatigue? Maybe. Was this the result of stress that had built up in my system that I had not noticed before? Possibly. But was it also something else? I think so.

INNER DIALOGUES

I neglected my inner voice, which became stronger and stronger in January. And that was the first time the question came to my mind:

What if I do not want to be a sustainable design engineer?

At that moment, I remembered my little lies from December - one of the exam questions was, "How will you characterise yourself and the profession “sustainable design engineer“ from a socio-political standpoint?", describing myself as someone who wants to be a sustainable design engineer. But deep down, I knew this was a lie. I did not even come close to seeing myself as one.

But it would probably be cool to be one. It's a really rare profession that really appealed to me because I have always liked being innovative and different. It was everything I thought I should have on my CV, even though I did not really believe in the value of one CV.

I tried to stay true to myself and listen. It was difficult to determine which thoughts were the real ones. From a rational point of view, there was no reason other than my health why I was unhappy with where I was and what I was doing. There were just some strange things going on inside me that changed my whole system - my mood, my attitude toward school work, everything changed almost overnight. And I still do not have a clear explanation for it. Something inside me was trying to pull me away from my studies. It was exhausting to be happy and work for school at the same time. It just was not possible. And pretending did not really work either, although I do not think any of my Danish friends ever sensed or knew that I was about to leave school. There was just me.

WHAT WOULD OTHERS THINK?

More and more often I thought about quitting. But for Alenka there is no quitting, is there? She has proven time and again that she is persistent, determined, intelligent, and can overcome any obstacle that comes her way. She never fails. She always gets a good grade, even when she thinks she will not pass the exam. She sets clear goals for herself and achieves them. She always knows which direction is the best for her...

I thought that I am very independent and that the opinion of others does not influence my decisions in any way. But as soon as you seriously think about leaving a university - believe me - these thoughts like "what will they think", "I will disappoint my loved ones", “I don’t know anyone who would quit like that” etc. come to your mind. At least they caught me off guard, unfortunately.

I got to the point with my thoughts on the “university situation” that at some point I started thinking of pros and cons for both options. And the problem was that my imagination was so wild that I could find equal pros and cons for both scenarios. As time went on, however, I realised that I had never really believed that the option of continuing my education would actually be possible. It just did not feel right. And so I almost made the decision. Almost. I just “had” to research what it would mean for my life now, in the next few months, in a year, and for my life overall.

Thinking about the consequences made me sad and happy at the same time. In the long run, I trusted that everything would be okay when I decided to either continue or quit. I knew that the next semester would start very soon and that project groups would be formed as early as the first week - so there would be no turning back once I made a decision, because that would mean either not getting a group or causing problems for the group I would leave. Time was ticking, but I tried to ignore this time pressure.

I knew that a cancellation of the next semester would mean: loss of access to knowledge in the field of sustainable design, less interaction with my friends from school, no master's degree, loss of a large knowledge network, less communication in everyday life, no possibility for a student job in Denmark, most likely a move out of Denmark, and most importantly a rejection from my DREAM UNIVERSITY. In summary, a university rejection meant that I would lose a large part of my Danish circle of friends, that I would reject a university degree, and that I would hurt my ego by telling the people around me about the decision.

ANY PROS OF LEAVING?

There was a big moment when I realised how much I love making each day my own - it was always a joy for me to be somewhere outside of school during the usual school time. I felt super special, so free and indescribably happy. And that's something I thought I was missing at the time. I love working, but I also like feeling free in a way. To be my own boss. This may not make sense at first glance, since we are talking about school and not a job, but I thought that after I got my master's degree, I would not be able to be the master of my own time either...

The other thing was that I felt I was living in a comfort zone most of my life. And I felt like I needed to finally aim for something bigger, further away from my familiar zone. Chasing the big dreams because I finally felt like it was possible.

And last but not least, I finally admitted to myself that I was lying to myself when I saw myself in the profession I was studying. I was interested in everything we were doing, but I was not doing it with passion, if you know what I mean.

THE FINAL DECISION

I knew I could finish the MSc and then do something else. That was, to be honest, my plan from the day I found out what this other thing was that I really liked doing. But that would mean not living my truth for 1.5 years. And since I was not able to just do things during that time without seeing them as part of my future, the decision was obvious - on a Monday when the next semester started, I wrote a message to the semester coordinator that said:

I am writing to you because I want to let you know that I will withdraw from the Sustainable Design Master's programme in the next few days....

And then it was official.

It hit me first when classmates started asking me where I was when the next semester started - those were really emotional moments that, when I think about them, still make me doubt my decision, because leaving was certainly a big minus of my decision.

Fortunately, my closest family members (only two of them knew at the beginning because my arrival in SLO was a surprise for my mum’s birthday) reacted kindly to the decision, which made it a little easier.

If this is the first time you hear about this decision - I am sorry, I just did not have the energy to answer all the questions and explain everything to everyone (only those who asked how my life is in Denmark 😅). 

I then decided to return to Slovenia after a few weeks to relax, recharge my batteries, reflect and make a bold plan that is now in the progress.

ON THE OTHER SIDE, 2 MONTHS LATER

Sometimes I still doubt my decision:

• Whenever I see my Danish friends talking about interesting things they are learning at university, and fun activities at school or outside of school.

• Whenever someone asks me about my next steps, which I am still not sure about, I think, "Everything would be so much easier if I just continued with my education..."

• When I see my friends studying for two master's degrees and not complaining, but actually studying with ease.

• When I realise that this is still my favourite programme in the world, in one of the most beautiful places in Europe.

• When I start to think that maybe I was not persistent enough - what if I only stayed for the first week of the next semester and then…

• When people look down and say “oh” when I tell them about my decision.

• When I realise I have not discussed my thoughts with friends from school - that could change everything.

• When I remember all the nice conversations and activities I did with my roommates and other friends during the six months.
  

BUT I know within myself that the decision was right. I TRUST.

I have learned a lot in the last 6-8 months and am already applying the knowledge and lessons to my everyday life. I truly believe that everything that happens in my life happens for a reason, for my growth, and I already see some new opportunities popping up. Now I am sooooo ready to take you into the next big chapter of my life, where my student status will no longer be valid. It officially begins in September 2022, and I’ll be more active in writing blog posts about my thoughts until then, so stay tuned!

I hope this has been valuable.

Please share if you think my story could inspire someone you know. 

< 3, Alenka

*And my friends from Denmark, if you are reading this, thank you for every minute we have spent together over the past few months. It has been a true blessing!